The Reveal. Find out how this Mediclub experience ends. The Assholes push the outer limits of the ASS scale. (What geminis!) They stumble on unexpected terrain, questioning the very nature of reality. This is Part 3 of 3.
The Reveal.
Find out how this Mediclub experience ends.
The Assholes push the outer limits of the ASS scale. (What geminis!)
They stumble on unexpected terrain, questioning the very nature of reality.
This is Part 3 of 3.
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Credits:
Written and produced by Gabriel Berezin.
Original music by Santiago Arias-Rozo.
Opening and closing music by Monuments (featuring Grant Zubritsky (bass), Robby Sinclair (drums) and Bryan Murray (saxophone), Gabriel Berezin (guitar))
Script editing and voiceover by Melissa "Monty" Montan
Logo design by Justin Montan
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References:
ANNOUNCER: The following program is taped in front of a studio audience and is a production of Fugues Media. Listener discretion is advised.
IG: Hello and welcome back to Assholes, Thanks for joining us in the finale of this three-part collection of fugues at Mediclub. I’m Gabe, and this is my inner voice, Chevy Chase.
IV: What?
IG: Just wanted to throw in another famous asshole.
IV: Ah, so should we do one more review of State Your Hate?
IG: Okay sure…
IV: Once again, we’ve once again renewed your biases.
IG: Aww, it’s like vows, but for hate…where did we leave off from Part 2?
IV: Well, first you got a right hemisphere high during your meditation fugue.
IG: Right.
IV: Then you entered a squirmy vulnerability fugue during sharesies, when you discovered how lonely and fearful you are all the time - just like everyone else…(continue)
IG: Uh huh…shut up.
IV: And then you went all in for a synchrony fugue when your tiny dancer aligned with all the other tiny dancers in the room during the sing-along to the point where you were coaching your group’s performance and smiling like a chump.
IG: You’re never gonna let me live that down are you.
IV: Nope. So are we gonna wrap this up?
IG: Yes, let’s get to the gripping conclusion of this Mediclub experience on June 6th, 2018…
NARRATOR:
After the cult choir finished their hymnal, Jesse brought everyone’s attention back to the center of the ring with a few parting words to close the formal event, which led to another ovation.
This time I actually found myself proactively standing up while genuinely smiling and clapping - I guess I was still high from the sing along.
IG: Wow, those are words I never thought I’d say out loud.
NARRATOR:
As I considered my plan for an Irish goodbye, Jesse mentioned they had a vegan meal prepared on the roof, which overlooked Greenpoint and Manhattan in the distance. There would be a live DJ.
I’m not a vegan, but I was starving and the meal was included in the price of admission - so…might as well get my money’s worth.
I got up to the roof and the spread didn’t look half bad - fresh organic vegetables and pasta - no cashew cheese or plant-based chicken. My kind of vegan food.
It almost looked like a singles night up there - all the pretty people chatting on a roof strewn with Edison light bulbs during an early summer sunset - a light chill in the air but comfortable.
It looked like a…live poster for a Greenpoint condo.
I wondered how many people would start relationships on this roof.
As I stood in line for food, I made small talk with an almost emaciated, blonde guy ahead of me - he towered over everyone else by at least half a foot.
With a buzzy smile, he stood back and surveyed me, he said he saw “a conflicted soul with genuine kindness.”
Okay
He gesticulated a lot as he talked and I stumbled backwards dodging his arms, and I elbowed the elbow of someone behind me, knocking a plate of food out of their hands. I apologized as I knelt down to help clean it up.
Then I caught a glimpse of who I knocked into - it was the emcee, Jesse Israel.
He smiled politely and said he recognized me - that I was the guy instructing the others during the sing-along at the end.
I was embarrassed to admit that was true, and in spite of myself, I was flattered he recognized me. He asked if I was a musician,
No idea how he knew that?
I said “ya…used to be…” and he sort of waved that off. He seemed to know full well that I still considered myself one. And before I knew it, I was telling him my whole background and philosophy as a musician like we were the only two people on that roof.
Then he asked what I was doing with music now. Would I be interested in directing the music for an upcoming Mediclub?
IG: Could I write and perform music again?
NARRATOR:
I couldn’t believe it but…I heard myself say “yeah okay!”
We met at Pencil Factory a pub a few blocks away later that night and talked about what I would do for an event like this.
And that’s how it started, we had a number of planning meetings that followed and sure enough I became one of the music directors. And just a year later, he encouraged me to kick one off in Reykjavik…
NARRATOR RECORDED AT EVENT:
So…the first question I want to ask you is…do you have any idea. how miraculous it is. that you’re…alive? That we're all alive?
So you’ve got your life, what did you expect? Everything to go perfectly? Just right…?
Didn’t quite happen did it?
Well that’s because we're all beautifully imperfect, and the acceptance of that idea is vital to your fulfillment as a human being. Whatever has happened to you so far -
it's in the past,
But you have a future in front of you. This extraordinary opportunity to record, and make sacred, every experience you have, experiences you can shape, using that impossibly complex tape recorder made of wet, electrified tissue housed in those…skulls of yours.
You are immersed in this unusual, beautiful, and exotic landscape, and you get to take part in an infinite number of possible events that can transpire within it.
What a time to be alive - you should never. be bored.
But you should be open.
What do I mean by open…
I mean open to checking your pasts at the door, and even your imagined futures.
Just be. Here. Now.
I ask you to grant yourself permission to let your soul…Breathe…
Breathe in light and mischief, goodness and love. Today, we flourish in the bliss of an uncertain future.
IV: “The bliss of an uncertain future?”
IG: You didn’t like that?
IV: No…and…this…didn’t happen, right?
IG: no.
IV: Wait really? None of it?
IG: Well, some of it, I did go to the afterparty on the roof, and the food was good!
IV: You dork.
IG: Funny though, for as much of a haterade-drinking Larry David asshole I can be - if that Mediclub opportunity presented itself…I might have taken it.
IV: God you’re such a gemini.
IG: What?
IV: Split personality, I mean there must be something to it. So would you have done the whole headphones with a mic, guru thing?
IG: Probably not, but you did say in Part 1 you wanted to hear a bit from the play.
IV: As if this show wasn’t narcissistic enough. So you gonna stop dicking around and tell the real ending?
IG: Sure…
NARRATOR:
Jesse mentioned they had a vegan meal prepared on the roof. There would be a live DJ. I’m not a vegan, but I was starving - might as well get my money’s worth.
I was in line behind two short, giggly women. They were conspicuously whispering to each other and I had a feeling they’d be okay with me butting in. So while tonguing bowtie pasta onto my recyclable paper plate, I asked them point blank, what they thought. The one in a flowy dress said they came on a dare…and didn’t really like it.
I told them it wasn’t really for me either, and that I had…kind of a grudge against the host, Jesse Israel. Turns out they did too, and the three of us got louder making fun of him within earshot of the other participants.
And then one of them flashed a weed vape pen in the lapel of her blue jean jacket. So we found a quiet spot on the roof and took a few hits.
Weed always gives me a… “seize the day” kind of inspiration - and I had an idea. I told Jean Jacket and Flowy Dress that I was gonna do the smell trick on Jesse.
Quick aside on the smell trick..
I don’t know why, but if you ask someone to smell something foul, it’s strangely irresistible. Weird proof of this, when I was a kid my Dad and I took our cat Buddha to the vet, and Buddha hated the car so he pissed all over my Dad’s hands. The WHOLE. WAY home from the vet, my dad smelled his hands at every red light. “Sniff, ugh,” red light again, “sniff, ugh”, red light “sniff ugh.” “Dad, the smell’s gonna be there until you get home and wash it off.” But he couldn’t help it.
Anyway, it’s a fun set-up. You build a narrative that explains a plausible scenario for the food to smell bad, and the moment they’re hooked, when they lean in to smell it, you, gently push it - not into their whole face, just a little boop on the nose. It’s very satisfying.
Ordinarily this is done with an ice cream cone, or a frosted cupcake, but in this case, there was nothing like that nearby so…I was ready to abort. And then Jean Jacket had an idea - use the hummus.
Hmph…Now I had my ammunition. I guess it’s go-time!
Okay, so Jesse was on the other side of the roof by the DJ, talking to a…gaggle of women.
Stoned and bold, I marched over on a mission with a bowl of hummus in my hand.
I interrupted him and launched into my spiel about why he should smell it.
…but then he interrupted me - saying he saw me in the crowd “singing my ass off” during the sing-along, which almost threw me off my goal.
So I played along, I told him, “yeah, I was really into it, such a cool event, thanks for having me by the way, but man, the whole thing was so intense and I was starving, and I love hummus, but clearly something is off with it, was there too much lemon in it? Had it gone bad? Maybe it had been out in the sun for too long? Either way, you could kinda smell it.
(aside) I was pouring it on way too thick.
I asked if he’d noticed the smell, but he wasn’t really biting (so to speak)…so I took a pita chip, dipped it in the hummus and held it out for him to inspect.
He looked at me for a second and started leaning in for a whiff.
IV: There ya go…just a bit closer now
NARRATOR:
Believe it or not, there is a moral code to the smell trick. You can’t chase the food into people’s faces, and I’d already gone further than I normally would.
I think suspicious of my motives, and he started to pull back. And then…I don’t know what happened…but…(shamefully) I chased.
I went way too hard at him and I mistakenly broke the pita chip on his nose and I think some hummus might have even clogged one of his nostrils. He was a bit stunned and sort of sneezed it out like a nervous dog.
And just as I stepped back to survey the damage, Jean Jacket and Flowy Dress, who I didn’t know were right behind me, spoon-flicked more hummus at him.
I think some got in his eye, and a big gob hung off his beard, which looked ridiculous and honestly, kind of awesome.
He was understandably livid. And yelled at us to “get the fuck out” as he waved his people over.
We didn’t wait, and the three of us made a beeline out of there.
IV: Fuck sake, this isn’t how it ended either…
IG: No, but the Larry David in me wishes it did…
IV: Would you knock it off?
IG: Okay!
IV: For real this time.
NARRATOR
Jesse mentioned they had a vegan meal prepared on the roof. There would be a live DJ. I’m not a vegan, but I was starving - might as well get my money’s worth.
Waiting in line for food, I saw a friendly couple ahead of me, who seemed to like the event, and turned to ask me what I thought. I said I liked certain parts, other bits weren’t..really for me, they said they agreed, and I told them I’d probably never 100% believe in something like this, and maybe I’m not 100% into most things. They seemed to agree with that too.
I liked them.
I plated myself some pasta and salad and had a seat on a bench. A friendly woman sat down next to me and we had a nice, forgettable chat about the experience.
Mostly I found this after party kind of depressing.
While I was definitely there to see what I could glean for my little cult leader play, I left Mediclub feeling like I just left a blind date…but with 200 people.
Without knowing it, I think privately I was hoping to make a connection, any kinda connection with someone there. But the fact that I left feeling like I didn’t belong to that whole culture of people and ritual just made me feel more alone than I did when I arrived.
So I walked out, and I haven’t been to a group meditation since.
Happy birthday to me…
IG: Welcome back to Assholes, well Inner Voice, I think we made it to the end.
IV: Not before you sounded like the saddest sack in a group meditation.
IG: Yeah…let’s get right to business for our final segment.
IV: Great, let’s get to OALA
IG: That’s a pretty name, what is that?
IV: It’s an acronym
ANNOUNCER: Opinions are like assholes
IG: Oh
IV: Opinions are like assholes. It’s a lightning question round! I’ll get us started. Do you believe in the multiverse?
IG: (stunned) What kind of question is that? No, start again...
IV: Okay:
IG: I see what you did there, but what does the multiverse have to do with anything?
IV: Your little “alternate” endings.
IG: Yeah I was…“trying on” different realities - like if I strayed to a permanent…2, maybe a 1 on the sucker side of the ASS scale, and another if I went to a permanent…8, maybe a 9 on the ASS scale.
IV: That’s one way to look at it - or maybe the real life ending was so dull you had to spice it up.
IG: I’m sticking with my thought experiment explanation, thank you.
IV: Okay, so…same question.
IG: No. (scolding, like telling a child) No multiverse.
IV: No multiverse??
IG: No multiverse! It just seems like a function of human thinking. Like just about every time travel-story is a result of wanting to change the past, which probably happens because our conscious experiences are either buried in memory or obsessed with possible futures. The multiverse just feels like a result of being stuck in the idea of possible futures and possible pasts with a severe case of the “what-ifs.”
IV: Moving on before the inevitable Marvel reference.
IG: Oh, don’t even get me started-
IV: I said moving on!
ANNOUNCER: Opinions? Assholes.
IV: Meditation, yes or no?
IG: Yes, but it took another four years after this event before I really embraced it.
IV: So you like it now?
IG: Yeah, I’m still not great at it, but it’s making a difference. I feel like I’ve barely scratched the surface on how I can shape my own reactions and…mental experiences. Whether it’s wed to any kind of spirituality isn’t really important to me. At the very least, it seems worth it to wilfully control your heart rate.
IV: And how’s that going?
IG: Like I said, still working on it. So there’s a technique you can do to activate a relaxation response in your body called the 4-7-8 technique - breathe in 4 four seconds, hold 7 seconds, and breathe out for 8
IV: This is a relaxation response?
IG: Yeah, there are two opposing responses in your body in the presence of stress, they’re like a yin / yang - the one gets your body ready for stress, is called your sympathetic nervous response, your fight or flight - it jacks everything up, like your heart rate, and the increased blood flow to your muscles.
And If that’s the yang, the yin is the parasympathetic response, which calms everything back down - it’s the chill mode that follows the stress response.
IV: So that slow, deep breathing is an intentional way to activate that de-stressing parasympathetic response.
IG: That’s what they say, good for calming yourself down when something shitty is happening, and apparently good for sleeping.
IV: And you don’t need to project loving energy in the world to do this.
IG: I mean, you can, but you don’t have to.
IV: That wasn’t exactly a lightning answer, so let’s move on, what about group meditation.
ANNOUNCER: Ugh…opinions…
IG: Nope.
IV: No?
IG: Not into it.
IV: So much for growth and change.
IG: It’s just…anything like this tends to have a set of common language and behaviors, and it immediately creates an in-crowd and an out-crowd, which clearly I’m sensitive to. I guess I’m more of a solo act when it comes to meditation.
IV: Whatever, you just hate being told what to do.
IG: Truth. Personal trainers
fuck you I won’t do another set
Camp counselors
fuck you i won’t do arts and crafts
Yoga teachers
fuck you I won’t open my heart chakra
IV: You are so…very dumb.
IG: That’s not a question.
IV: Okay, why are you so dumb?
IG: I dunno!
ANNOUNCER: Opinions…nobody cares!
IV: Here’s a bit one, should mental health and self help be a for-profit industry?
IG: Doesn’t really matter, it’s not gonna change any time soon…but it would be cool if modern religion actually did this stuff. Take away the indoctrination, the threats of eternal damnation, the ghosts and demons. Keep the tax exempt status, so it can stay low cost. Keep the focus on people’s mental health and purpose, keep the feelings of community. And let everyone in so you can axe the in-crowd / out-crowd bullshit.
IV: Aw, nice fantasy - oh hey, you made a multiverse!
ANNOUNCER: Opinions, opinions, opinions
IV: Okay, next question - how skeptical is too skeptical?
IG: I think I was too skeptical about meditation until six months ago and it was probably to my own detriment. If, for example, you find yourself so skeptical of the medical community not to take antibiotics while you have…pneumonia, odds are you’ve probably swung too far. But if you’re too much of a sucker you maybe didn’t make it out of childhood because you believed the promise of candy and cartoons in a windowless van owned by a dude with a very thin mustache.
IV: Nice
IG: Still, overall I’d say our little species has a gullibility problem more than skepticism problem.
IV: Why do you think that is, where does that come from?
IG: I’ll tell ya, Tuh-ramaaaa...get it…like Dra-maaaa….
IV: That’s in poor taste.
IG: Sorry. So…The School of Psychology at the University of Leicester published a study in 2006 that found that people with harrowing or difficult life events were generally considered more...suggestible.
IV: Life events like what...
IG: Ya know, illnesses, injuries, being fired or laid off, bullying, being a victim of a crime or abuse, divorce, death of family members or close friends. So the more trauma, the more people may lose their sense of…a healthy skepticism.
IV: Knowing this does allow for a bit more compassion for people that you call a sucker doesn’t it?
IG: Yeah, that’s true.
ANNOUNCER: Opinions, yours stinks too!
IV: Do you think you’ll always be a 6 on the ASS scale?
IG: I wonder how much movement people make on their ASS scales. Seems possible to stray a few points in either direction. But I’m sure we probably all snap back to our basslines.
IV: Yeah, it’s like…
IG: Asshomeostasis. Assholeostasis?
IV: Hmmm…ignoring that. Okay, final question - can you be skeptical without being an asshole?
IG: I guess if we had to add another famous TV character example..Ted Lasso would probably be a good model.
IV: Yeah…he’s just so…Ned Flanders-y
IG: Howdy neighborinoeeno! You sure diddily ding dong do sound a bit more skeptical than noodly-normal.
IV: That was just terrible.
IG: Did you know there’s an English to Ned Flanders translator on the internet?
IV: Noodly-no i doodley-did not.
IG: Anyway, Ted Lasso’s like an angel-Larry David. Open to stuff he doesn’t know, but also mindful of people with…ulterior motives.
IV: We’re not advocating for us all to walk around acting like Ted Lasso are we?
IG: No it’s just a mental image - handsome white dude in khakis with a chunky mustache - it’s an easy reminder whenever we’re straying too far on one side or the other on the ASS Scale. Maybe we could make a t-shirt.
IV: (annoyed) With Ted Lasso on it?
IG: No, it could be one of those face mashups of Larry David and Barry White.
IV: Barry White?
IG: Betty White…Betty White…
IV: Are we out of time yet, do we have a… inner producer or something?
IG: Yeah, she’s doing cartwheels, so this concludes Opinions are Like Assholes
IV: And it also takes us to the end of our show.
IG: That’s it for this penetrating examination of our inner assholes at Mediclub, thank you so much for letting us share our fugues with you here on Assholes…we’ll see ya next time!
IV: (to himself) If there is a next time - sayonara assholes!
ANNOUNCER:
Assholes is brought to you by Fugues Media, all rights reserved. Distribution of this material is strictly prohibited. Services rendered and promotional fees provided by the following: The multiverse
NARRATOR:
You can make your own decision about the multiverse from a physics perspective. There's a good roundup of the evidence to support or deny the existence of the multiverse.
And go see Everything Everywhere All at Once for crying out loud.
You can learn about Mediclub and their larger mass meditation series, the Big Quiet.
There’s also a link to learn more about quote unquote social entrepreneur, meditation leader and former record label executive Jesse Israel.
You can read the study that explains what makes us lean towards the sucker side of the ASS scale, and learn a bit more about the 4-7-8 relaxation technique.
Fugues is written and produced by this sucker, Gabriel Berezin
Music composition by Santiago Arias-Rozo
Script editing by Monty Montan.
Logo design is by Justin Montan.
See you in the next fugue!