The age old question. Does empathy cure personal beef? Actually from a butcher’s perspective that’s no good. Curing actually preserves beef. Nevermind, nevermind... I had a psychedelic experience with a mosquito that reminded me of an aggressive driver. It may, or may not have, changed my life. Do I have to anthropomorphize EVERYthing?
The age old question. Does empathy cure personal beef? Actually from a butcher’s perspective that’s no good. Curing actually preserves beef.
Nevermind, nevermind...
I had a psychedelic experience with a mosquito that reminded me of an aggressive driver. It may, or may not have, changed my life.
Do I have to anthropomorphize EVERYthing?
--
CREDITS:
Written, produced and performed by Gabriel Berezin.
Script editing and Lady Inner Mosqutio voiceover by Melissa "Monty" Montan.
Opening and closing music by Monuments (featuring Grant Zubritsky (bass), Robby Sinclair (drums) and Bryan Murray (saxophone), Gabriel Berezin (guitar))
Logo design by Justin Montan
Follow Fugues: Substack | X | Instagram | Threads | TikTok
The research behind mosquito nocebo here.
I can have beef with anyone, or anything.
Like when I’m casually speeding in the passing lane, and someone approaches way too fast into a tailgate, which is a major beef trigger…
Inner Me: Get a load of this fuckin guy.
And they wanna pass, okay fine, just give me a second to get in the middle lane, and you can go by, but they’re being an impatient asshole so without using a turn signal, they whip into the middle lane or even the right exit lane, (reckless!) overtake me, and merge back into my left passing lane. Again, no turn signal.
Inner Me: Someone wants to feel the power of a 3-cylinder Nissan Rogue
Now i have to fight the urge to overtake them, because I’m not about to get beaten by some chump in a Suburu or a fuckin Tesla…beaten at what you might ask ? I have no idea.
It’s absurd, but I am the one that goes the fastest, forever.
This unhealthy relationship dynamic isn’t confined to drivers, or even just people…
I’m also the guy that yells at the stair when I stub my toe.
(BAP!)
Inner Me: You prick!
Or when I’m looking at my phone and I walk nose-first into our open closet door.
(DONK)
Inner Me: Fuck you door!
So… you can imagine my beef with a mosquito during a 2am ear fly-by a couple months ago.
He instantly became my mortal enemy and I became Mike Tyson.
Inner Mike Tyson: I will dethroy you, I will eat you for breakfatht, I will eat your children.
I will pair you with the thweetesth fine wine, adding a thmooth aroma to the tathte of my own blood, and the blood of my family. I will pridefully eat your dead carcath
Little bastard woke me up from a deep sleep, and the second I heard the buzzing, or maybe before that, I was itchy - EVERYwhere:
which is apparently called the nocebo effect - it’s like the placebo effect but…shittier - your brain sends out a histamine response not due to the mosquito bite, but the anticipation of a bite.
For the word nerds, placebo in Latin is “I shall please” and nocebo mean’s “I shall harm.”
I was also furious because I knew it would be at least an hour of sleeplessness from the adrenalin/cortisol rush of mosquito-hunting-and if there were bites, the trip to the kitchen and bathroom for the ice cube and cortisone cream to calm my skin’s insane reaction to mosquito bites.
Anyway, this quiet rage was compounded by the fact that sleep was at a premium b/c our 6-month old was ten feet away in the next room, and she only sometimes sleeps through the night. So…I mummified myself in the sheets and tried to fall back to sleep.
After a couple mins I was in the sweet spot, juuuust about to drift back into sleep
[SOUND FX: BUZZ]
he fucking buzzes me again!
Inner Me: Mother FUCKer
[SOUND FX: SMACK]
Inner Me: Did I get him? I don’t think so
One day I hope we harness the biological technology mosquitos use to disappear after your first kill attempt.
Anyway, self-fulfilling prophecy, I had rage insomnia for TWO hours,
Inner Me: I’m calling my fucking landlord, we need new screens, but cheap-ass, lazy asshole, he’s just gonna make me replace them and somehow I’m gonna pay for it.
but eventually fell asleep.
Not long ago, I watched Shogun on Hulu and now I enjoy applying war poetry and wisdom to everyday challenges - and I remembered - “Every battle is won before it is fought.”
Next time, I’d be ready.
After some extensive googling, I learned that if the little shits have been biting you for a while, they get tired and need to rest and digest, like a…blood-carb coma.
So they chill on the wall for a while - often not far from their feasting site.
Sure enough about 2am the next morning, another ear fly-bye, which woke me from a very strange dream, and I was stuck in that waking/dreaming purgatory.
Just then, I remembered another bit of my research - mosquitos have Co2 receptors. It’s how they know a mammal is around for a meal.
I don’t know if it was my psychedelic semi-dream state, but…i could…feel this mosquito. I…understood him…
…and I think that’s because…I entered his mind…
Inner Mosquito: (lower register) I’m so hungry, oh my god, I can smell that thing.
Wait, mosquitos that bite aren’t he/him, they’re she/her apparently..
Inner Mosquito:(higher register). I’m so hungry. Oh my god, I can smell that thing…I can finally eat...let me just…settle down around one of those flat things with the five stubby digits...
I have very flat feet that stick out of the sheets.
Inner Me: Fuck that’s a bite, I know that’s a bite.
I grabbed my phone flashlight, and examined it -
Inner Me: (whiny and annoyed) God Dammit, look at that welt!
Then I scanned the walls trying not to wake my bed-mate Monty.
[SOUND FX: DING]
Holy shit, the research was right. She was just sitting there, casting a shadow on the wall, a foot away from my face.
Inner Mosquito: (stomach gurgling sounds - sounds drunkenly full) whoa, that last bite was…juicy! (burp) - just need a second before i go back.
Inner Me: Shit do I have a bite on my forehead? IT FEELS ITCHY.
I tried to contain myself, and kept my eyes trained on my prey.
I left the phone light on the pillow.
She wasn’t on a window sill or a shelf, she was on a nice, flat part of the wall - a perfect location.
I lined up my kill shot.
IG: I must make my hand flat like a board, must be swift.
IM: Okay (burp) feeling better, I think I’ll-
*SPLAT*
I inspected my hand immediately.
Inner Me: Yeeeeeees!
Head under the covers to obscure the light, Monty asked if I got it.
(Whispering) “Sure did babe.”
As I cleaned the fresh blood stain and her mosquito remains off the wall with a tissue, I wondered if I’d feel some remorse or…regret. Afteral, I experienced her hunger.
And I’ve definitely experienced…this.
“Oaky Grandma - just gonna camp out in that passing line going 55? Okay!”
(SOUNDFX: Driving acceleration)
Yup, I’ve been a hungry mosquito and the aggressive driver that passes in the exit lane.
But whatever I only crushed one of them with my bare hand.
This episode was written, produced and performed by Gabriel Berezin.
Lady Inner Mosquito voiced by Monty Montan.
This has been a Fugues Media production.